Poetry: 2004 Archives
Standing on Trial
Standing on trial, as always, it seems. Judge my life, since you never let me live it. That good little girl had scarred wrists. But this bad little girl won't let you hurt her. Don't you dare Point out all my mistakes done. Don't you dare Tell me that I was the wrong one. Raised to be nothing more than a quiet slave. Crush my talents, steal my self-confidence. Fill the holes in my head with pretty lies. Fill the holes in my heart with endless guilt. Don't you dare Treat my tears with a laugh. Don't you dare Try to tell me the right path. I was more than you ever imagined. I was better than you ever wanted to be. I was strong enough to finally escape you. I was the evil I had to be free. Don't you dare Tell me what I should be. Don't you dare Be disappointed in me. You gave me nothing, You took everything, You crippled me And told me to love you. Don't you dare Pretend you cared. Don't you dare Pray for me.
Old Friend
I grew up in darkness and in grief Daily struggling, just to keep afloat Your calm demeanor mocked by contrast My flailing efforts to survive. But in the end I reached a patch of solid ground. I stood, And looking back, Found you instead had drowned.
Age
Day after day I catch her tears While she tries to break my heart Instead of throwing balls we're throwing knives And icy glances of burning hate Little children seem to play so soft So how did our hearts become so hard? Nothing's a game in this older world And no one kisses the hurt away. She says she's forgotten how to smile And I can't remember how to love The shrieking laughter that was our language Is now a moan caught deep inside And the pain when I open my eyes Only ends when I close my mind Behind these walls we're starved from life And pale under the summer sun. Nature was cruel to age us so and then leave us all the memories Facing backwards we stumble on I guess it's no wonder that we fall.
Jeckel & Hyde
I've seen that look in my father's eyes, A man staring down the caged tiger: his fear hidden behind his back, behind a whip, behind a curse. All for a fragile child with wide grey eyes. She doesn't understand What I've come to understand. All those years of meak surrender, All those nights alone, My dark history didn't make me an outsider. a demon whore. This fury was born to my first breath. And the whole world saw it, When it was hidden to me. Calm covers chaos, sun before storm. The good girl I was Could never endure. Shadow takes light, Tide coming in. Transforming from quiet To a deep scream within. One girl becomes the monster. The petty minions of society, They know the stranger's step, Past word or dress or politics: a hidden brand, a dark aura. Their whispered hostility dogs my path. For a part of me I can't conceal, Something I can never change. I can't cry for what I've lost For all those lives that were never mine. I can never feel insignificant, never common, never normal. I must accept the virtues others despise. I must press on without regret, Running toward my own dark end.
Mother is a bad word
Mother tucks me into bed. A little kiss for the baby no one wanted. Mother sings a goodnight song. Hush, hush, my little baby I never wanted. What was Mother before me? I wonder, did you ever have a life to lose? Or did you simply drift along Hands stretched to catch each passing dream. Father hurts and Father yells. A little kick for the baby no one wanted. Father screams at Mother Dear. Hush, hush, says the baby, not what I wanted. Love me, Mother says each night. Gazing down at me with a desperate smile. But did you ever love me first? Or was I just another doll to that little girl? Who do I hate more? Father who hit and hated that little baby? Or Mother Dearest, Who never protected her own little baby. Who never wanted her own little baby. Who never wanted me. Who never wanted anything.
copyright 1993-2008 mleiv, any reproduction or distribution expressly prohibited
